Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find bin Laden” diversion.

• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

• A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veteran’s benefits and combat pay.

• (Continuing the previous item): “Supporting the troops” means giving them inadequate equipment and training, extending their tours of duty, and cutting medical care and other benefits for returning veterans.

• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

• HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

• Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

• A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.

• The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George W. Bush’s cocaine conviction is none of our business.

• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

• You support state’s rights, which means that the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960’s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980’s is irrelevant.

• Separation of religion and government (“church and state”) is very important in Iraq and we must be sure it is specified clearly in Iraq’s Constitution. Separation of church and state in the USA is a lie of the liberals and is not important (or desirable) here.

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This page was last updated on May 3, 2007.